The best things in life.

As summer winds down, and the nights become cooler; I am reminded of days past when my kids were young.  I dreaded this time of year.  Them going back to school.  The fussing and fighting in the mornings getting ready for school.  Arguing over breakfast and making sure they at least started the day out right.

Worrying about how many days they would skip this year and whether or not they were going to graduate.  Whether or not they would have all the necessary classes and if they were putting in all the effort that I knew they were capable.  Learning new things with them and discovering the world with them.  Taking a day off to go on a field trip.

The best things in life are most definitely not free.  They can be very expensive, but so worth the time, effort, energy and money that we invest in them.

The best things in life – at least in mine – are my kids. Expensive little creeps!  🙂

Bittersweet memories.  That lump in my throat when they flew from the nest.  Not because I am concerned or worried.  That lump is my heart at how beautiful they each are, and how incredibly proud I am of all three of them.  The men they have grown into.  The considerate, honorable, integrity driven, loyal and kind human beings they each are.  So different, but possessing an internal character that is undeniably their own.

It’s difficult for me to believe yesterday they were toddling around in diapers and getting bumps and bruises from learning to walk and ride their bikes and skateboarding.  I looked at them today and was startled at the grown men standing in front of me.  LOL – My heart lept out of my chest and into my throat and asked – When did that happen?  I was watching and looking and didn’t wish their childhoods away.  Jerks.  Didn’t they know they were supposed to stay little and small?

Someone asked me what I wanted to do with my life now.  Truth is – I hadn’t even really considered what I wanted to be other than their Mom. Oh, I know that I will always be their Mom.  It feels like this giant pill I keep trying to swallow.  Except I don’t take pills so I’m having a super difficult time trying to convince myself to swallow it.

The best thing in life.  Being a Mom.  From the time I found out I was pregnant, to the grueling labor and hip bone to hip bone incision and the near car birth and the fights, and the hugs, and the discipline and the weeks of not talking because I was afraid that I would say something I couldn’t take back.  The expensive Xbox’s, football gear, unexpected trips to the ER for stitches and broken bones.

Being their Mom has been the most awesome adventure ever.  I know it’s not over yet and we still have LOTS of firsts together.  Letting them out of my sight and trusting that I gave them all the information they needed to begin their lives, and trusting that they will call or text or email or Facebook when they need something is a little anxiety ridden.  Still, there’s some melancholy in the quiet of the house, the empty bedrooms and the cleanliness that comes when no one is at home.

Strange to find myself saying I miss the 20 hour days, the long treks for visitation, the picky eaters and the not so picky eaters.  I miss the questions and the friends and the laughter coming from the living room from playing on-line and hearing them connect with people from all over the world.  I miss the arguments and the making up and the wrestling in the living room and sitting on the counters in the kitchen while I cooked someone’s favorite meal and omitted onions.

It’s like taking the training wheels of their bikes and watching them ride down the road unprotected.  Crazy mixed up feelings – fear, pride, joy – holding them inside until they turn around with the most gorgeous smile on their face of triumph at riding down the road unassisted and riding back to you and throwing their arms around you for one of the best hugs ever and grins from ear to ear.

They could do it all along.  I always knew they could.  Just wasn’t ready for the “DID” of them doing so well.

As I write this, I’m kinda kicking myself in the butt and telling myself I did a good job while laughing at myself because this lump and heaviness in my chest region is nothing more than a reminder of how much I really do love my brats.  Wishing I hadn’t done such a good job and chastising myself for doing what I set out to do.  🙂

I’m gonna be missing those three.

I know that I will see them soon.

I know they will enjoy every day.

Guess it’s time to go and find something to do to fill up all this time I have on my hands now.  😉

 

Still…wondering

I wonder some times

What would you do

If you knew you couldn’t fail?

Would you take that trip abroad?

Would you wander through

The most beautiful places on Earth?

Would you spend quiet days

In contemplation?

Would you plant vegetable plants

And watch the blossoms transform into food?

Would you plant an orchard

And smell the blossoms of a promise of fruits?

Would you learn to trust

That All is well?

Would the scent of jasmine or honeysuckle

Be enough to lift your spirit?

Could you wander a dirt road

And find delight in a small brook you find?

Could you learn to trust

That All is well?

Just a note…

To say thank you to everyone who is taking time out of your lives to read my writing.

It means a lot to me. ❤️

Ha! Adulting…smulting

Am I really one of the rare few who actually enjoys adulting?

I so love doing my own thing. Making my own rules. Spending money on things and experiences that make my loved ones smile.

Yes. I like spending money on me too. Pedicures. Clothes.. 🙂 I have a shoe thing. LOL I think most women do.

I am greatly satisfied when my bills are paid and I’ve put the perfect amount into savings and investments and there’s “extra” money left to spend on however I choose.

Weird though. I actually feel penalized because I haven’t allocated it! Feels almost like I’m nursing a baby again. If I don’t spend my money; no more comes in. Money is weird like that too.

I like adulting. I like spending money. Without money life would cease to exist. I’m not ready to die just yet.

Maybe not for a while. Like 100 years or something like that. Wonder if we’ll have hovering cars that run on electricity finally.

I like eating and working.

Cleaning too. I’m a little bit of a clean freak. I like my house to smell good.

I like cooking from enameled cast iron on gas stoves. Nothing quite like the heat distribution, consistency and reliability.

I get to eat mushrooms and peas. Eat with my fingers if I choose.

Yeah. I’d say I love adulting. Way better than being a kid.

Life of an INTJ

We’re weird.  Really weird for alot of people.  Deep but shallow.  From the infromation that is out on the net – we’re less than 3% of the population.  I’m not sure about all the other INTJ’s out there but I have a really blunt side and a poet side.  I’ve tried out having ‘feeeeliinnngs in real life, but that bouncy, bubbly, girl thing – I am going to have to leave to the girly girls.  I don’t mean anything hateful by that and I certainly don’t want to offend anyone.  I just call it like I see it.  Sometimes I’m wrong – when I’m not sure – I keep my mouth shut if it’s none of my business and let the situation work itself out.

I’m kind of a hardliner when it comes to personal responsibility.  I really believe that we are responsible for ourselves, our families and then helping society by defending the values that we as individuals hold true to our heart.  I know.  Selfish.  Let me ask you a question though.  Just for consideration.

If I, as an adult, don’t take care of myself – who will?

I’m not married.  I don’t have a significant other.  My parents aren’t able to financially and I am not going to swallow my pride and get on welfare.  I considered it but the significant humiliation I experience at the mere thought of it was more than I could stand.  Some would call that Pride.  I call it Integrity. Faith to the values that I hold dear.

I am challenged sometimes by the degrees that we have to go to stand up for what we feel in our hearts to be right and true.  Hence, the poetry side of me.  The idealist in  me that cannot live in a society that is a dog eat dog world and sometimes I feel like the bone. Makes me wonder if there will ever come a time when we can live in harmony as a species.

I have sugarcoated thing for the last fw years in order to gain the experience and perspective that others believed I should have, and I haven’t found any evidence that my previous thoughts, feelings and decisions were unjustified.  I’m torn between feeling badly about the Fuck’s You’s I send out to those who can’t stand me and shouting “Fuck You” Get over it.  It’s a terrible place to be hated by everyone. But then, all the greats were hated by someone somewhere along their paths. Maybe I’ll be great after I’m dead and gone. Who knows.

Recently, I’ve started working with an individual and our political views and beliefs are vastly different.  So different in fact that it was an issue when they were considering me for the position.  I am a registered Independent.  They are Registered Democrats and are very liberal in their views.  I, voted for Trump.  Do I think he’s doing a fantastic job?  No, not especially.  Do I think anotehr candidate would have done a better job?  Yes.  However, having said that – i don’t get to vote in theprimaries.  I get to vote on whomever is on my ballet.  I pay close attention to all candidates during elections.  When the time comes to  vote – I cast my ballot.  In secret.  There’s a reason that you vote alone.

I wrote all that to say – Please hate me.  I need haters.  My life works and runs better when I have haters.  If you don’t like me – cool.  If you do – cool.

I win either way 🙂

I’m always open for intelligent conversation.  Name calling, mud slinging and all that other jazz; I can do that too.  I have a pretty heavy critic that lives inside and am not afraid to use her.  She reminds me of the Hulk and she kinda scares me a little bit with how powerful she can be.

So lets play nice in the sandbox shall we?  I like all the touchy feely stuff too.  I have a poetry page and there’s feelings there.  🙂  I just operate more out of my Thinking side…in a world of what feels like cut throats – it pays to have some skills 😉

Loving my addictions

I love Coffee

I have a few addictions and vice’s.

I strive for perfection

Yet to be so

Would be to die

I love life

And everything it offers

Delicious food

Wonderful places to travel

Glorious experiences to be had

Other cultures to explore

Causes to Champion

Lovers to caress

Gailing laughter

Disappointments

Without them

There would be no balance.

Have a beautiful day today ❤️

Raining

For days

Being stuck in the house

With my nose against the window

Like a caged Cat

Restlessness

Yet nowhere to go

Loneliness

Perhaps

It happens sometimes

With introverts

Strong desire to connect

Yet afraid of making a mistake

Out there

Somewhere

There’s another

Feeling the same way

While it’s Raining

Breath and Surrender

Close your eyes

Tip your head slightly, gently allowing access

Breathe out

a soft relaxing sigh

Surrender

To the fingers tracing their way over your shoulder

along your collar

Allow the tingle beginning in your abdomen

Surrender

Your head tips back; leaning back and against his shoulder

Allow yourself to relax into his chest and feel his strength support you.

Surrender

His fingers gently tracing their way into the curve of your neck.

A dull ache begins to take hold

In regions below

Surrender

As his breath and lips trace the places

His fingers have just been

This

Is how he loves you.

Surrender