Horse kicked

Yeah…about four years ago. Saddled up and that dark horse just mule kicked.

I’ve taken some time to really reflect on that mule kick and tonight, I’m toasting to getting back in the saddle. Tomorrow, I’m headed down to a new MMA gym in the town I moved to this year.

I’m toasting to the Dark Horse who helped me develop my enjoyment of a Cab Sauvignon. I’m toasting to last years leaves shedding. I’m toasting to the soreness I know I’m going to feel after being out of the gym for seven months. I’m toasting to being brave at 48 and a woman and daring to feel beautiful and natural.

I’m toasting to the parts of me I’ve had to let go of. I’m toasting to the parts of me that I get to hang on to. I’m toasting to even making it to 48. Didn’t think I was.

I’m also toasting to imperfection. Perfect is an illusion. A deadly illusion. I’m toasting to being real and authentic.

To laugh lines at the corners of my eyes.

Here’s to the privilege of growing older. Old age – can KMA.

Out of the fog

They say that pain changes us. Some, more so than others.

Some pain, is so searing; I have found it difficult to breathe. Breath, that doesn’t desire to be exchanged. Only remembered.

Some pains are easily gotten over. While others take years. They say time and love heal all wounds. There have been days of doubt, and agony that can scarcely be voiced it is so sharp and piercing.

To let go feels somehow like murder and loss beyond any expressive words. To hang on is sweet torment and torture of the soul. So we let go. Minute bits at a time. Not because we want to, but because we still have life to live. Grief can only last so long. Others need us. We have jobs to fulfill.

So we savor each memory, each hurt, each lesson and each moment of laughter. Leading to a deep hearts longing, and years of loneliness. Finally and gratefully when we finally, a very long last, surrender to acceptance and loss. An amazing transformation takes place. Rejoicing. Searing the love and memories in the very essence and existence of our being.

Loneliness is easier to bear. The longing lessens and the heart beats easier, steadier. There is a tenderness and understanding that wasn’t there before. There is also knowledge and education yet to be explored. There is a soft, yet unshakeable bond with life that is protective, considerate, warming and nurturing. Yet undeniably fierce.

It is indeed, a far, far better thing to have loved and lost – than to never have loved at all.

The best things in life.

As summer winds down, and the nights become cooler; I am reminded of days past when my kids were young.  I dreaded this time of year.  Them going back to school.  The fussing and fighting in the mornings getting ready for school.  Arguing over breakfast and making sure they at least started the day out right.

Worrying about how many days they would skip this year and whether or not they were going to graduate.  Whether or not they would have all the necessary classes and if they were putting in all the effort that I knew they were capable.  Learning new things with them and discovering the world with them.  Taking a day off to go on a field trip.

The best things in life are most definitely not free.  They can be very expensive, but so worth the time, effort, energy and money that we invest in them.

The best things in life – at least in mine – are my kids. Expensive little creeps!  🙂

Bittersweet memories.  That lump in my throat when they flew from the nest.  Not because I am concerned or worried.  That lump is my heart at how beautiful they each are, and how incredibly proud I am of all three of them.  The men they have grown into.  The considerate, honorable, integrity driven, loyal and kind human beings they each are.  So different, but possessing an internal character that is undeniably their own.

It’s difficult for me to believe yesterday they were toddling around in diapers and getting bumps and bruises from learning to walk and ride their bikes and skateboarding.  I looked at them today and was startled at the grown men standing in front of me.  LOL – My heart lept out of my chest and into my throat and asked – When did that happen?  I was watching and looking and didn’t wish their childhoods away.  Jerks.  Didn’t they know they were supposed to stay little and small?

Someone asked me what I wanted to do with my life now.  Truth is – I hadn’t even really considered what I wanted to be other than their Mom. Oh, I know that I will always be their Mom.  It feels like this giant pill I keep trying to swallow.  Except I don’t take pills so I’m having a super difficult time trying to convince myself to swallow it.

The best thing in life.  Being a Mom.  From the time I found out I was pregnant, to the grueling labor and hip bone to hip bone incision and the near car birth and the fights, and the hugs, and the discipline and the weeks of not talking because I was afraid that I would say something I couldn’t take back.  The expensive Xbox’s, football gear, unexpected trips to the ER for stitches and broken bones.

Being their Mom has been the most awesome adventure ever.  I know it’s not over yet and we still have LOTS of firsts together.  Letting them out of my sight and trusting that I gave them all the information they needed to begin their lives, and trusting that they will call or text or email or Facebook when they need something is a little anxiety ridden.  Still, there’s some melancholy in the quiet of the house, the empty bedrooms and the cleanliness that comes when no one is at home.

Strange to find myself saying I miss the 20 hour days, the long treks for visitation, the picky eaters and the not so picky eaters.  I miss the questions and the friends and the laughter coming from the living room from playing on-line and hearing them connect with people from all over the world.  I miss the arguments and the making up and the wrestling in the living room and sitting on the counters in the kitchen while I cooked someone’s favorite meal and omitted onions.

It’s like taking the training wheels of their bikes and watching them ride down the road unprotected.  Crazy mixed up feelings – fear, pride, joy – holding them inside until they turn around with the most gorgeous smile on their face of triumph at riding down the road unassisted and riding back to you and throwing their arms around you for one of the best hugs ever and grins from ear to ear.

They could do it all along.  I always knew they could.  Just wasn’t ready for the “DID” of them doing so well.

As I write this, I’m kinda kicking myself in the butt and telling myself I did a good job while laughing at myself because this lump and heaviness in my chest region is nothing more than a reminder of how much I really do love my brats.  Wishing I hadn’t done such a good job and chastising myself for doing what I set out to do.  🙂

I’m gonna be missing those three.

I know that I will see them soon.

I know they will enjoy every day.

Guess it’s time to go and find something to do to fill up all this time I have on my hands now.  😉

 

When your Sensei’s challenge you..ugh

I lost my shit so I could rise to the challenge.  Sometimes, it’s the only thing you can do to win.

Please – read on…

I’m old.  Like 48 years old.  Except I feel 20 in spirit.  My body has disagreed with me multiple times and has sat me down to try and warn me of the narcissism that I will create if I continue down the current path that I am on.  It’s creaked and moaned and groaned until I finally gave it the bird and said, ” FUCK YOU.  The most advanced piece of technology that has even been put on this planet and you can’t do something as simple as drills and leg kicks and spar?  Sure, you’re gonna get punched, sure you’re going to get kicked.  Who’s gonna save your punk ass if some dude – I am a small woman in stature – wants to get his hands on you and hurt you when you’re like..60 and he thinks he’s all that and a bag of chips and can take your ass down and steal everything you’ve worked your ass off for? You’re a fucking loser and I’m not listening to you. Two Billion years of evolution and you want to sit down at 48?  What the fuck is wrong with you?  You’re the Mother of three healthy young men.  You want to have the stamina to keep up with those grand-kids you’ve been talking about for years.  You don’t do that by sitting on your ass and ‘hoping’ things are going to just miraculously materialize. Dumb Ass.”

My brain and I have been in mortal combat for the last three months.  Guess who won 🙂

So what’s the deal on losing my shit you ask?  Well.  I lost my shit a few years ago actually.  What I mean by that is, I lost my temper.  My cousin and I are calling it my nuclear explosion.  It was ugly.  I’ve spent the last couple of years telling people about themselves.  After years of people telling me about myself and doing the Christian thing and giving them other cheek to slap the shit out of; I finally swung back (metaphorically) when it has been appropriate.

I’ve lost people I thought were my friends when I spoke my truth.  Some family members I don’t speak with anymore because I haven’t been able to dole out money like I used to.  Seems they really never had another use for me.  The losses have been emotional as well as spiritual.  I’ve had to deal with grief on levels I didn’t even know existed.  ugh…I’ve had to parent myself in ways I have never parented myself before.  It’s been quite the struggle.  Patience has never been one of my stronger virtues and patience with myself – nonexistent.  To say that keeping myself calm over the last couple of years has been a struggle – is vastly an understatement.  Yoga has been a daily part of my life just to breathe that shit out.  Let me tell ya..woooo.. I’ve also had to do something that I never thought I would have to do.  Dope myself.  Any by doping  myself, I mean I had to literally sedate myself from harming someone while I underwent this descensitization process to relieve myself of a condition that is called Complex PTSD.  I smoked ALOT of weed to control the anger and hostility I was feeling.  I was seriously afraid I was going to hurt someone.  Weed kept me from completely losing my mind. I was close.  Very close.

Shit I had stored since I was a very young child of 7 that had festered and gotten to the point that it had to be dealt with or it was going to end up killing me.  I don’t recommend the process I used BTW – seriously.  Complex PTSD and PTSD are nothing to mess around with...There are other methods that work just as well.  I’m just really hard headed and like doing things my own way.    I learn best when the lesson is hard.  So that it is retained.  What is currently available (HEMP Oil/CBD) wasn’t when I began this process in addition to alternative energy therapies.  I used HEMP oil to replace the weed last November.   HEMP has below the legal limits of THC – which is what causes the psychedellics – but all the great benefits of relaxation and contemplation and creativity.  It allowed me to consider everything I needed to what I needed to work through and come to a point where I could actually think rationally again so that I could do something about my predicament.

Roughly three months ago there came a point in my training where the expectation to commit to the discipline.  I had to give this some seroius thought and packed my bags and came North to clear out the remaning bullshit that was rattling around in my brain and decide if I was worth the effort it was going to take to get what I wanted.  I would have to focus, really focus and learn new skills.  My brain was having real problems with the idea of learning. Stamping around throwing a fit, and crying…I’ve aleady been to school and college.  I’m tired of learning…blah blah blah.  I was behaving like a toddler that wasn’t getting their way.  Not something I normally do.

These last three months have been a stand off between what I know I can do, and the fear, excuses and years of conditioning that my brain has undergone since childhood.  Deeply embedded in the mind.  Takes focused effort to find the roots, dig them up and  and create new neural pathways so past behavior doesn’t dictate future behavior.

I did my Mom thing.  I waited me out.  I knew what I didn’t want.  I had to make the committment to do what I did want.  I hit me in the pocketbook.  Nothing less than full committment would do.  I put the same conditions on myself that I put on my kids when they began a sport.  Don’t start something you know you aren’t going to finish.  I want a Black Belt in Katsugo.  That takes years and years of practice and training.  Committment.  Falls, getting up, doing it again.  Getting hit again.  Getting up again.  I had done that raising my kids.  I knew what it meant.  I wasn’t sure I wanted to commit to something like that again.  So.  I took some time to deal with the voices in my head.  When I commit to something, I go all in.  It’s just the way I am wired.

Imagine if you will, a child standing in front of you, head tilted back and the child saying, “Again, really. Noooooooooooooidooontttwannnnnaaaaa”.  And slumping off to their room filled with pink polka dots and stuffed animals.  At 48.  I know.  A sight to behold let me tell ya..(rolling my eyes…at myself no less)

I like to call the negative nelly voices in my head The Shitty Committee.  The ones that tell you why a thing can’t be done, rathan than why a thing can be done.  That committee is counter-productive to envisioning a future of prosperity and abundance and happiness and strength and courage.  It’s counter-productive to getting the body I want and standing in complete confidence that if anyone ever tries to hurt me again – I will step up and fuck them up.  I want to continue to be nice.  I also want to make certain that I am confident I can handle myself.

I had an endless litany of excuses why I should not continue with the Dojo.  Work towards a goal that has been on my bucket list for as long as I can remember.  The whining has been incessant and disgusting.  “WTF is the actual problem?” I asked myself.  The response:  “They’ll hate me again”.

“Hate you for what?” I inquired.

“I’ll be successful again.”

“So.” I said flatly.  “They’ll hate you.  They hate you now.  What’s the big deal?”

Fair point.  Well made.

What I realized at that moment was, people don’t like successful people because most people won’t do what it takes to be successful.  They won’t do the hard work it takes to achieve their dreams and goals.  They don’t actually hate me, they hate themselves for their laziness.  What they are is jealous.  THAT, was not my problem.  All I can do is be an example of what is possible.

The trouble with overnight success stories is that we don’t see the hard work, gut wrenching work, the blood, sweat and tears that is put into attaining a goal.  All the general public sees is the end result.  The money, the cars, the nice houses.  Most of the world wants what the Bill Gates’ of the world have without doing the work that the Bill Gates’ of the world have done.  Doesn’t work that way.

I watched a video on YouTube that someone had posted on Facebook from Denzel Washington stating exactly that.  Ugh…I hung my head. Damn.  I guess I had my confirmation.  Guess I was going back in.

Now.  How to get back to that internal space of focus, dedication, motivation, drive and momentum.  I’m getting there.  A plan is coming together, and I am working the plan.

It makes me smile when I think of my Sensei’s on Facebook.  “I’m Not Normal” is one of the pages they follow.  I don’t think I have ever been more proud to be Not  Normal, to  rebel and not do what I am told to do.  I didn’t get to be an executive for the federal government by doing what I was told to do.

I’m a nerd. With an attitude.  An Old Ass Nerd…

I lost my shit so that I could lose my shit, and get back to the business of living instead of the business of dying.

 

Dragonpeace – AKA:  Shorty, C4, Sandpaper, and Wendi Lynn and MOM (only title I ever cared about!).

 

 

Motivation

Life of an INTJ

We’re weird.  Really weird for alot of people.  Deep but shallow.  From the infromation that is out on the net – we’re less than 3% of the population.  I’m not sure about all the other INTJ’s out there but I have a really blunt side and a poet side.  I’ve tried out having ‘feeeeliinnngs in real life, but that bouncy, bubbly, girl thing – I am going to have to leave to the girly girls.  I don’t mean anything hateful by that and I certainly don’t want to offend anyone.  I just call it like I see it.  Sometimes I’m wrong – when I’m not sure – I keep my mouth shut if it’s none of my business and let the situation work itself out.

I’m kind of a hardliner when it comes to personal responsibility.  I really believe that we are responsible for ourselves, our families and then helping society by defending the values that we as individuals hold true to our heart.  I know.  Selfish.  Let me ask you a question though.  Just for consideration.

If I, as an adult, don’t take care of myself – who will?

I’m not married.  I don’t have a significant other.  My parents aren’t able to financially and I am not going to swallow my pride and get on welfare.  I considered it but the significant humiliation I experience at the mere thought of it was more than I could stand.  Some would call that Pride.  I call it Integrity. Faith to the values that I hold dear.

I am challenged sometimes by the degrees that we have to go to stand up for what we feel in our hearts to be right and true.  Hence, the poetry side of me.  The idealist in  me that cannot live in a society that is a dog eat dog world and sometimes I feel like the bone. Makes me wonder if there will ever come a time when we can live in harmony as a species.

I have sugarcoated thing for the last fw years in order to gain the experience and perspective that others believed I should have, and I haven’t found any evidence that my previous thoughts, feelings and decisions were unjustified.  I’m torn between feeling badly about the Fuck’s You’s I send out to those who can’t stand me and shouting “Fuck You” Get over it.  It’s a terrible place to be hated by everyone. But then, all the greats were hated by someone somewhere along their paths. Maybe I’ll be great after I’m dead and gone. Who knows.

Recently, I’ve started working with an individual and our political views and beliefs are vastly different.  So different in fact that it was an issue when they were considering me for the position.  I am a registered Independent.  They are Registered Democrats and are very liberal in their views.  I, voted for Trump.  Do I think he’s doing a fantastic job?  No, not especially.  Do I think anotehr candidate would have done a better job?  Yes.  However, having said that – i don’t get to vote in theprimaries.  I get to vote on whomever is on my ballet.  I pay close attention to all candidates during elections.  When the time comes to  vote – I cast my ballot.  In secret.  There’s a reason that you vote alone.

I wrote all that to say – Please hate me.  I need haters.  My life works and runs better when I have haters.  If you don’t like me – cool.  If you do – cool.

I win either way 🙂

I’m always open for intelligent conversation.  Name calling, mud slinging and all that other jazz; I can do that too.  I have a pretty heavy critic that lives inside and am not afraid to use her.  She reminds me of the Hulk and she kinda scares me a little bit with how powerful she can be.

So lets play nice in the sandbox shall we?  I like all the touchy feely stuff too.  I have a poetry page and there’s feelings there.  🙂  I just operate more out of my Thinking side…in a world of what feels like cut throats – it pays to have some skills 😉

Complex PTSD

I was first introduced to CBD oil a few years ago when I was battling Complex PTSD. In December of 2014, and I totally lost control of my Life.

Dealing with Complex PTSD is difficult and took years of work with a therapist to finally get to the point where my therapist looked at me, smiled and said, “There’s nothing wrong with you other than you don’t trust yourself. Go check your data and learn how to trust yourself”.

I am a naturalist, and by that I mean that I do everything possible to heal whatever is going on in my body the natural way. With herbs, nutrition, exercise, sleep.

I was having severe insomnia, anxiety and most days, I stayed huddled close to my home and my social life was non-existent. I had constant feelings and thoughts of suicide. I had been actively seeking death. I truly wanted to die.

It was during this breakdown two years ago, that my children reminded me that they needed me, and I was being selfish by not taking care of myself. They reminded me that the woman I had become was not the woman that They knew, loved and respected. So, I sat down and began to do some research on holistic ways to overcome PTSD naturally. All I wanted was to just feel better. I came across CBD oil and decided to give it a try. My oldest son purchased some for me and I waited on it to arrive. A week seemed like an eternity as I waited.

When it finally did arrive – I put the prescribed quarter tsp of 99% pure CBD under my tongue. Within minutes I began to feel better. I quite literally felt like I had been yanked out of the pits of hell.

I put another 1/4 tsp under my tongue. I was beginning to feel better. I felt tired. I wanted to sleep. Not just sleep and not wake up. I laid down to take a nap and when I woke up a couple hours later – I knew I had found the solution to the problems I had been experiencing.

CBD Oil has become a daily part of my health care regiment. Coupled with cognitive therapy, nutrition, Reiki and Martial Arts Training . I have been able to overcome a great deal in the last year.

I have made friends been able to mend and repair relationships that I believed were dead, and have never felt better in my Life.

The Anxiety that I once felt is no longer as present as it once was. I still have moments when the nasty committee tries to take up residence in my brain – those don’t last very long anymore. I’m able to get over those humps with relative ease and move on with my day.

http://wendilspisak.myctfocbd.com

There’s tons of information there for your perusal. If your having issues and need some organic help….just a suggestion. Worked for me. Maybe it can help you too.

Much love!

Have a beautiful day!

Wish…Just a Few

I wish that I could take it all back.

But I’m glad I can’t.

Without it; you wouldn’t know me.

 

I wish that I could take away the hurt.

But I’m glad I can’t.

Without it; I wouldn’t know you.

 

I wish I didn’t have this job to do.

But I’m glad I have it.

Without it; I couldn’t get back to you.

 

I wish.

To begin again.

To start from here.

To create

Something new.

Together.

I am here.

Just

for

YOU.

All Paths…

Except the most Direct.

I deleted the number.

Thinking it was correct.

Stinking Thinking.

Gets me in Trouble, every time.

I didn’t memorize the number.

I’m waiting, patiently, on you.

To call and Collect.

Everything that is Yours.

In every Aspect.

Collard Greens, BBQ Chicken, CornBread and Fresh Georgia Peaches.

It’s what’s for Dinner.

I’ll save you a plate.

In sweet, nervous anticipation – of your arrival.

Can you…Will you

Can you coax her out?

Will you, treat her well?

Can you, stand her storms?

Will you, be patient when she rains?

Can you, teach her?

Will you, be grateful for the rage?

Can you, hold her when she’s scared?

Will you, be grateful for the fear?

Can you, protect her?

Will you, Listen?

As she searches and retrieves – the words she forgot – Long Ago?