For days
Being stuck in the house
With my nose against the window
Like a caged Cat
Restlessness
Yet nowhere to go
Loneliness
Perhaps
It happens sometimes
With introverts
Strong desire to connect
Yet afraid of making a mistake
Out there
Somewhere
There’s another
Feeling the same way
While it’s Raining
Close your eyes
Tip your head slightly, gently allowing access
Breathe out
a soft relaxing sigh
Surrender
To the fingers tracing their way over your shoulder
along your collar
Allow the tingle beginning in your abdomen
Surrender
Your head tips back; leaning back and against his shoulder
Allow yourself to relax into his chest and feel his strength support you.
Surrender
His fingers gently tracing their way into the curve of your neck.
A dull ache begins to take hold
In regions below
Surrender
As his breath and lips trace the places
His fingers have just been
This
Is how he loves you.
Surrender
Except the most Direct.
I deleted the number.
Thinking it was correct.
Stinking Thinking.
Gets me in Trouble, every time.
I didn’t memorize the number.
I’m waiting, patiently, on you.
To call and Collect.
Everything that is Yours.
In every Aspect.
Collard Greens, BBQ Chicken, CornBread and Fresh Georgia Peaches.
It’s what’s for Dinner.
I’ll save you a plate.
In sweet, nervous anticipation – of your arrival.
Some time ago a good friend mentioned that I “think too much” and I was rather irritated by that statement. After some years of reflection and healing from childhood trauma and a condition called Complex PTSD. Of which, according to my psychologist Jennifer Sager, Ph.D. at the ITM Group in Gainesville, Florida – I am fully recovered. I have come to discover that my good friend was absolutely correct. Another good friend of mine told me that I was just going to have to feel my way through to find the solution to an issue that I had long avoided. She too was correct.
I am not a practicing psychologist, though I do have education in psychology and have utilized that education to help me impede the damage that my own psychology could have bestowed on my offspring. I am not perfect and am certain that there areas that I hope to have the luxury of correcting with my children, and hopefully with future Grand Children.
I’m leaping forward a little bit.
Please accept my apologies.
Humility: The quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one’s own importance, rank. Dictionary.com
Why is this an important idea to me and why is it so challenging? Well. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to write and be an author. The problem with writing is that it exposes me. It exposes me because writing for me personally is a literary style. My heart and soul go into what I am writing. Very few people have seen that part of me. It scares me. It opens me to vulnerability. For me, that is a place of potential pain and regression into myself. Shutting myself off again to the world and living quietly, head down, working my butt off and praying I’m not noticed.
The beauty of writing is that it exposes me. When I write and ‘get in the zone’ and my happy place, words just flow. It’s like someone or something else is in charge and the fluidity and motion of the ocean is gently rocking inside of me and I’m just along for the ride. I can breathe. Deeply.
And then, when it’s finished and the editing is complete. I hit the publish button and panic surges through me..YIKES!
It is at that moment that I realize and am humbled beyond measure. There are so many other people who are so much better at living than I am. So much better at writing. At success and abundance and prosperity and at making their way in this world. At technology. At making sure everything is working just as it is meant to work.
I also remember that there are those just like me – struggling every day to live an authentic and worth-while life. Perhaps it is those that I seek to connect with and we can help each other along the way?
Prosperity: a successful, flourishing, or thriving condition, especially in financial respects; good fortune. Dictionary.com
I flinched at the financial respects; good fortune portion of this definition until I flipped over to the Thesaraus. Synonyms are:
Abundance | Benefit | Ease | Expansion | Growth| Increase | Plenty | Prosperousness
These feel so much better to me. Accurate. Descriptive. Authentic.
I have known prosperity before. During my career at the University of Florida and with the Department of Veterans Affairs. I didn’t know what it was. I just knew I was dumb and needed to follow the leader and absorb as much information as I could. I didn’t open my mouth because I was afraid of confirming how dumb I really was.
Perhaps one of my brothers was right. Maybe I am an overeducated dumbass that needed to be taken down a notch or two. Perhaps that isn’t as negative as it sounds. Perhaps being a positive role model to my kids and being a good example is simply being able to take a punch and keep on keeping on.
I’m beginning to wonder. Maybe it’s not panic I’m feeling when I hit the publish button?
Maybe … its a surge of courage at venturing into the unknown?
A Dragon's Peace 